No. 9 | “If only” is a dangerous and perilous path. It is a road to nowhere or at least a road to nowhere any of us should want to go. “If only” may not be a road at all, but more an ever-expanding and deepening hole one digs, the dark bottom from which the climb out seems more and more impossible with each passing day.
I wish that I did not know what that hole-darkness can feel like. “If only” is powerlessness. It is to take up residence in victoms-ville. It is a place you can go alone for sure. Unfortunately, we often find a community of like-minded sorrow wallowers there with whom to commiserate. That community if we find it does us no favors.
To ruminate on the thoughts that tend to accompany these words is to sentence ourselves to continue in whatever discontent in which we find ourselves. It is a terrible and circular self-fulfilling prophecy, a tail-chasing endeavor.
“If only I had started some number of years ago.” “If only I could better manage my time.” “If only I were better with my money.” “If only I were more assertive.” “If only I did not have such an appetite.” “If only I could read more.” “If only I could save some money.” “If only my family had a little money.” “If only I had the boss’s ear.” “If only I did not have this afternoon candy habit.” Need I continue?
I believe we must fight this spirit killing, hope extinguishing thought life quite actively. I believe this very much. I seem to always have some self-limiting, self-disempowering, joy robbing “if only” thought wishing to take root against which I must be ever at the ready to do battle.
We need dependable countermeasures. We need some effective big-gun thinking artillery. One thought habit that has been very helpful and has become a trusted standby for me is to propose to myself a “what if” question. Even better, a series of such questions. A more complete description, “What if, instead of forever wallowing in ‘if only’, I were to…insert new habit here?”
I will leave it at that for now. I will surely take up this last thought in more detail on another day and soon.